IS 635 9 9 

_g i ^ Stbt, fittttn eentf. 

1883 -//£ ACTING DRAMA 

Copy 1 

No. i86. 



TUB- 

^ HAKESPEARE 

J/f /ATER C ^RE 



NEW YORK 

ROORBACH 6- COMPANY 

9 Murray Street 



l<fO $lass Stt^anffftl* -^^'^ illustrated descHptive Catalogue of Plays, 
Books, and Amateur Theatrical Goods -will be mailed to any address on receipt 
cf a stamp for reiu''7i postage. 



THE ACTING DRAMA. 



PRICE 15 CENTS EACH. 

64 Bachelor's Bed-Room. 

65 Perfection(the Cork Leg) 

66 More Blunders Than One 

67 Whisky Fiend. 

68 Quite at Home. 

69 Sir Dagobert and the 

70 Putting on Airs. [Dragon 

71 A Slight Mistake, 

72 Patches and Powder. 

73 To Let, Furnished. 

74 The Lost Heir. 

75 Is the Man Mad ? 

76 A Trip to Cambridge. 

77 Twenty and Forty. 

78 Hob-Nobbing. 

79 The Great Eastern. 

80 Three Guesses. 

81 Getting up in the World. 

82 Wardrobe. 

83 

84 A Crumpled Rose Leaf. 

85 Wild Flowers. [Ladies. 

86 Don't all Speak at Once, 

87 Woman Nature Will Out. 

88 Funnibone's Fix. 

89 Child of Circumstances. 

90 Women's Club. 

91 Shamrock. 

92 The Changelings. 

93 „ . 

94 Matrimony. 

95 Refinement. 

96 Master-piece, 

97 Frenchman. 

98 Punch and Judy. 

99 My Precious Betsy. 
100 Woman of the World, 
loi Rob the Hermit. 

102 Love Master, Love Man. 

103 Inhuman. 

104 Champagne. 

105 H M. S. Pinafore. 

106 Family Pictures. 

107 Prison and Palace. 

108 The Bailiff's Daughter. 

109 La Cigale. 
no Broken Promises. 

111 The Broken Seal. 

112 Betsy's Profile. 

113 Going Through Him. 

114 Male and Female. 

115 Thoughts Before Mar- 
no Diplomacy. [riage. 

117 Our Professor. 

118 Hurrah for Paris. 

119 Tittlebat a Father. 

120 Cross Purposes. 

121 Love to Music. 

122 Carried by Assault. 

123 The Locked Door. 

124 Those ''Cussed" Waves. 

125 Masquerading for Two. 

126 The Love Flower. 

127 Oh, My LTncle ! 

128 The Dawn of Love. 

129 Juliec's Love Letter. 

130 Bric-a-Brac. 

131 A Cousin to Them All. 
Any o/the above "will he se7it by mail on receipt 0/ the price ^ by 

ROORBACK & COMPANY, Publishers, 
P. O. Box 3410. Murray Street. New York, 



1 Single Life. 

2 Boarding School. 

3 The Spitfire. 

4 Irish Dragoon, 

5 Srhool for Tigers. 

6 Gabrielle de Belle Isle. 

7 Tipperary Legacy. 

8 Deeds of Dreadful Note. 

9 A Peculiar Position. 

10 A Private Inquiry. 

11 I'll Tell Your Wife. 

12 Fast Family. 

13 Antony and Cleopatra 

Married and Settled. 

14 My Friend in the Straps. 

15 School for Scheming(Love 

and Money). 

16 Our Mary Anne. 

17 Miseries of Human Life. 

18 An Irish Engagement. 

19 How to Settle Accounts 

With Your Laundress. 

20 Advice Gratis. 

21 A Hasty Conclusion. 
23 Weak Points, 

23 Grace Darling. 

24 A Gray Mare. 

25 Middle Temple. 

26 The Original. 

27 The Sentinel. 

28 Tiger at Large. 

29 Why Did You Die ? 

30 Sayings and Doings. 

31 Twin Brothers. 

32 Ask no Questions. 

33 Cure for Coquettes. 

34 Cabin Boy. 

35 Who Stole the Spoons ? 

36 Mrs.Gamp'sTeaandTurn 

37 Village Doctor. [Out. 

38 Family Pride» 

39 Queen Mary. 

40 Three Grocers. 

41 Race Ball. 

42 Presented at Court. 

43 A Sign of Affection. 

44 Dancing Barber. 

45 Who's Your Friend ? 

46 Charity. 

47 Wicked World. [ingWell 

48 Mother and Child are Do- 

49 Lying in Ordinary. 

50 The Ringdoves. 

51 Camille. 

52 Lady Clancarty. 

53 Ten Nights in a Bar-room 

54 Drunkard's Warning. 

55 Fifteen Years of a 

Drunkard's Life. 

56 Fruits of the WineCup. 

57 Aunt Dinah's Pledge. 

58 Yankee Peddler. 

59 Vermont Wool Dealer. 

60 Persecuted Dutchman. 

61 Stage-Struck Yankee. 
£2 The Limerick Boy (Pad- 
dy Miles' Boy.) 

63 Drunkard's Hoine. 



32 The Wanderer's Return. 

33 Uncle Jack. 

34 The Married Widows. 

35 Foresight: or,MyDaugh- 
ter's Dowry. 

36 Muolo the Monkey. 

37 Too Windy for an Um- 
brella. 

38 Beauty and the Beast. 

39 Cinderella. 

40 Rosebud ; or, the Sleep- 
ing Beauty. 

41 The Princess. 

42 Rumplestiltskin. 

43 Skinflint. 

44 One Must Marry. 

45 John Smith. 

46 Just Twenty Years Ago. 

47 Pipes and Perdition. 

48 Under the Curse. 

49 Two Drams of Brandy. 

50 Don't Marry a Drunkard 
to Reform Him. 

51 Ralph Coleman's Refor- 
mation. 

52 Who Got the Pig ? 

53 Money Makes the Man. 

54 Bardell vs. Pickwick. 

55 
156 A Pint of Ale. 

58 Engaged. 

59 My Awful Dad. 

60 Out in the Streets. 

61 The Law Allows It. 

62 There's Millions in It. 

63 Tootle Tootle Too. 

64 A Purty Shure Cure. 

65 Let those Laugh who 
Win. 

66 A dark Noight's Business 

67 A Game of Billiards. 

68 The Village Belle. 

69 Cousin Florence. 

70 I Love Your Wife. 

71 TheDutchmanin Ireland 

72 A Woman Will Be a 
Woman. 

73 Lucy's Love Lesson. 

74 Our Utopia (The Es- 
thetic Cousin). [Stars. 

75 The Daughter of the 

76 The Stolen Child. 

77 Well Fixed for a Rainy 
Day. 

78 Cross Purposes (A Mis- 
understanding in I act) 

79 The Artist's Stratagem. 
So Picking up the Pieces. 
81 Lovely. 
32 Irresistibly Impudent. 

83 Love's Young Dream. 

84 WooingunderDifficulties 

85 Rebecca and Rowena. 

86 The Shakespeare Water 

87 Marion Fay. [Cure. 

88 At Sixes and Sevens. 

89 Change Partners. 



THE 



Shakespeare Water-Cure 



SUGGESTED BY AND ADAPTED FROM 



PLACE AUX DAMES 



AND PIRATED FROM MANY AUTHORS LIVING AND DEAD 



/ 

THE LARKS V" 



NEW YORK 

ROORBACH & COMPANY 

No. 9 Murray Street 

Copyright 1883 by Roorback & Co. y'/^Y^ 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 



Characters. 



HAMLET. 

MACBETH. 

ROMEO. 

SHYLOCK. 

OTHELLO. 



A 

OPHELIA. 

LADY MACBETH. 

JULIET. 

PORTIA. 

GHOST. 



Properties. 

Act I. — Chair, large pocketbook, and bundle of old clothes for Shylock. 

Act II. — Table and tea-things. Chairs. Book and bottle of camphor 
for Juliet. Three caskets, one of them containing a miniature, for Portia. 
Spoon and box of pills for Ophelia, Scroll (Caesar's will) for Romeo. 
Banjo and handkerchief for Shylock. Skull and bones, large black-bor- 
dered letter, large bonnet-pin, small flask and bonnet, for Hamlet, 

Act III, — Table arranged for dinner. Dishes, containing each a small 
fish, chickeit, spare-ribs, and baked beans. Chairs. Sofa-pillow. Tele- 
phone, constructed of cords and empty tomato-cans. Huge role of manu- 
script for Shylock, Banjo for Othello. 

Stage Directions. 

R. means first entrance right and right. L., first entrance left and left. 
S.E.R,, second entrance right, S,E,L., second entrance left, T.E,R,, 
third entrance right, T.E.L., third entrance left. F.E.R., fourth entrance 
right. F.E.L., fourth entrance left. U.E.R,, upper entrance right. 
U,E,L., upper entrance left. R.F., right flat. L.F., left flat. R.C., 
right of centre. L.C., left of centre. C., centre. CD., centre doors. 
C.R., centre towards right. C.L., centre towards left Observing, you 
are supposed to face the audience. 



TNIP92-008968 



SUGGESTIONS FOR COSTUMES. 



LADY MACBETH. 



Black velvet gown ; immense head-dress of black ostrich feathers and 
flowing black lace ; leather belt, hung with knives, pistols, and steels. 

OPHELIA. 

Long robe of soft white material, trimmed with flowers, and long grasses; 
flowing hair, and wreath of flowers. 

PORTIA. 

Student's full black gown and square cap. Carries green baize bag for law- 
papers. 

JULIET. 

Long, tight-fitting, light-colored robe, over white satin petticoat, embroi- 
dered with silver and pearls ; thin white veil, spangled with gold and 
silver, thrown over head and shoulders. 

MACBETH. 

Dark red hose, plaid kilt, dark red jacket with plaid scarf over shoulder, 
small red cap with stiff feathers at side. Wears large sword. 

HAMLET. 

Black velvet doublet and trunks, black hose, short cloak and black velvet 
cap. Carries skull. 

SHYLOCK. 
Long flowered dressing-gown, long gray hair, black skull-cap. 

ROMEO. 

Purple velvet doublet, trunks and hat, lilac hose and jeweled belt, blonde 
wig. 

OTHELLO. 

Full Turkish white trousers, red jacket, waiter's apron, a great deal of 
cheap jewelry, and a colored turban. 

In Third Act men all appear in their trunks and hose and modern dress- 
coats. Shylock wears faded calla-lily in his button-hole. Portia wears 
white veil thi'own over her student's cap. 



SUGGESTIONS FOR THE PROGRAMME. 



" We your humble patience Pray^ gently to hear^ kindly to judge our play.'''' 



THE ARGUMENT. 

QTAYING at a water-cure establishment are: Hamlet, for his health, with his wife 
Ophelia ; Macbeth and Lady Macbeth, for economical reasons, in need of the needful ; 
Mrs. Bassanio, enjoying a legal vacation. The Montagues having been disowned by 
both their houses, Mr. R. M. has taken to the stage, and is here with his traveling com- 
pany and his wife. Shylock, wishing to possess Portia's gold, bribes Lady Macbeth to 
incite her husband to the murder of Bassanio, so that Shylock may marry the fair heiress. 
All of which is accomplished, and a wedding dinner, under the superintendence of Othello, 
is given by the patients to the happy bride and bridegroom. 



'"''Admit 7ne Chorus to this History. 



PROGRAMME. 

PATIENTS 

AT PRESENT UNDER TREATMENT AT THIS CELEBRATED HYDROPATHY 

PORTIA 

" Who of legal knowledge has obtained such a grip^ is by 

SHYLOCK 

taken into partnership.^^ 

LADY MACBETH 

'^ Here^s e7nploy7nent for thee.'^ 

MACBETH 

' ' What is to do ? The deed without a name.^^ 

JULIET 

" Romeo^ be but sworn my love., and V II no longer be a Capulet.^' 

ROMEO 

" / take thee at thy word^' and he did. 

OPHELIA 

".<4 little more than kin., and 

HAMLET 

less than kind.^^ 

OTHELLO 

Hereafter haunted by Desd^ s-mother . 

SCENE.— \CT L, The Hallway. Act XL, The Parlor. Act III,, The Banquet Hall. 
" ' Tis true thai a good play needs no epilogues.^'' 



The Shakespeare Water-Cure, 



ACT I. 

Scene— The hall. Chair, L, 

Lady Macbeth discovered standing, R. 

Lady M. Here have we boarded now these six long months — ever since that 
doleful day when we fled Scotland in such haste. Things were not exactly 
pleasant there when we came away. There had been a slight struggle for 
the crown, which had ended rather unfortunately for King Duncan and his 
family, who happened to be staying in our own castle at the time. But all's 
fair in love and war, and I never could see why the nobility and gentry 
chose to make it so unpleasant for us afterwards. Banquo in particular gave 
us a good deal of trouble, and I believe it took some time before he was 
finally settled. The whole thing did not amount to much, and never both- 
ered 7ne in the least ; but it worried Macbeth considerably, for he was yet 
but young in deed, and needed seasoning. In fact, all this rather unhinged 
Macbeth's mind, and utterly ruined his digestion ; he got into the way of 
seeing ghosts v/henever we gave a dinner-party, and so he gradually took to 
drink, and has never been the same man since. Each day sees him more of 
a prey to whims and whiskey. So long as that unfortunate prejudice against 
us prevails in our native country I suppose ^we shall be obliged to stay in 
this wretched establishment, whose owner" dubs it by courtesy a Water- 
Cure. Only this morning the wretch waylaid me with a bill, the which I 
cannot pay, for ducats are not ready in my purse ; my last went to that fool 
Bassanio when he staked his all at poker weeks ago. Unless we raise the 
money by this coming eve the landlord swears that we must go. Oh ! lordly 
family of great Macbeth, why should we sink to such a level of disgrace that 
common people glory in thy fall ? 

Enter Shylock, l. 

Ha ! here comes the usurer ! Perhaps from him I may gain help. 
Shylock. {holding up old clothes') Old clo'es, old hats, here you are, very 
cheap ! Old hats for new ones ! old clo'es for new ones ! 
Sings, Air, *'• Little Buttercup,"' 
Buy of your Shylock, 
Dear little Shylock — 
Strangers should never be- 



6 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Lady M. {interrupting) Shy-lock ! Good Shylock, thou hast come in 
time ! 

Shy. Sayest thou so ? Would'st have a hat? Or, see this beauteous 
coat ! 'Twas made to fit a king. It once belonged to Duncan, an outrage- 
ous dunce, who met his death in Scotland. 

Lady M. (m anger) Remove the cloak ! I wish it not. Lend ear, O 
Jew ! I need bright gold to aid me in a new distress. My landlord sues, 
yet not a sou can I him give. I want three thousand ducats for three 
months. 

Shy. {aside) The very sum I lost by curst Antonio ! {to Lady M.) And 
what return dost offer me for this amount ? 

Lady M. Macbeth, my lord — he shall be bound. 
Shy. Nay, I have better plans on foot. Knowest thou Bassanio ? 
Lady M. Ay, marry do I — far too well. He plays a clever hand at 
cards. 

Shy. Out on the Island he now serves a term for monopolizing private 
gutters. He hath a tender heart, and ribs that will not stop a tickling knife 
directed inward ; — dost catch ? 
Lady M. Hardly ! 
Shy. What, hardly ? 

Lady M. Well — with considerable difficulty. 

Shy. List ! Take thou assistants — let them row thee out to where Bas- 
sanio doth still reside. Then, when 'tis dark, do away with him ! 

Lady M. What — murder ! (counting the clock's strokes) One ! — two ! 

Shy. No, only one. 

Lady M. Why dost thou wish this wretch to die ? 

Shy. Because, forsooth, I much desire just Portia to be my wedded wife. 
Then he haCn disgraced me and hindered me of half a million ; laughed at 
my losses, mocked at my gains ; and what's his reason ? I am a Jew. Hath 
not a Jew eyes ? Hath not a Jew hands, affections, passions ? Is he not 
warmed and cooled by the same summer and winter as a Christian is ? If 
you poison us, do we not die ; and, if you wrong us, shall we not revenge ? 
Perhaps herein thou may'st discern the drift of all I would convey. 
Lady M. 'Tis rather shady — but, go on ! 

Shy. Now, lady, think ! A thousand — ay ! three thousand — ducats for 
only one swift stroke. Else no money shall I lend, and thou may'st hanged 
be for aught I care. 

Lady M. {advancing — aside) *Tis cheap ! I mind not blood ! (7"^ Shy- 
lock) Thou upright Jew, I do accept thy offer ; but give me first securi- 
ties, {aside) This night Macbeth shall kill the dog. 

Shy. Here, {gives Lady Mac. large pocketbook) swear by the skull of 
Hamlet thou play not false ! 
Lady M. I swear it ! 

Shy. Then speed the task ! Let not Bassanio observe the morning sun 
that shall lo-morrow see the. happy Shylock weaving his cunning web around 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 7 

the queenly Portia ! {aside) She who owns far more of yellow gold than 
Croesus. Aha ! thou shalt be rich, thou sneaking Jew ! ( To^ Lady Mac.) 
Ajew — ajew ! [Exit, l., singing. 

Old, old beaver hats, old coats buy ! 

Have them cheap from Shylock — buy, buy, buy ! 

Enter Macbeth, r. 

Lady M. Come here, Cawdor, and don't be speering around in that 
stupid fashion. 'Pen my word, you're the sorriest apology for a king I ever 
saw ! I'm positively ashamed of you ! 

Mac. Is that what you have to say to me ? Your disposition is spoiling, 
I'm afraid, under this water treatment. 

Lady M. Never you mind me, but gather what few sparks of courage 
you have left : you'll need them, for I have work for you. 

Mac. You have introduced the subject gracefully, I must say. 

Lady M. Your opinion is entirely uncalled for. I want a stroke done 
in the old line of business. 

Mac. What I - the old business ! Surely not — you know ! 

Lady M. That's it exactly, and I can't see why it should cause such an 
outcry. 

Mac. What poor innocent have you been bulldozing now ? 

Lady M. It's no quarrel of mine ; it's a friendly turn we are going to 
do for Shylock. 

Mac. Fof Shylock 1 Does he take us for ordinary butchers ? 

Lady M. For extraordinary ones, may-be. But, be that as it may, Shy- 
lock wants Bassanio put out of the way, and I consider it a very delicate 
compliment on Shylock's part to give us the refusal of the first hack ! 

Mac. What is Shylock's grievance ? 

Lady M. I believe he holds a paid-up policy on Bassanio's life, and 
wants to realize. 

Mac. This is no affair of ours. Why do you bother your head with it ? 

Lady M. Simply because I am out of practice and money, and here is 
an opportunity for getting both. Why make so many words about so simple 
a thing ? 

Mac. You know we came here for seclusion and reformation : this is 
the great country for reform, so they say. We have had enough of this kind 
of sport, and after my last tiff with Duff I was glad of a little rest. Further- 
more, it would be an infringement of the game laws to kill a man at this 
time of year. 

Lady M. That is so, I will admit, but we must have money to keep 
up appearances, and everything possible has been pawned, including the 
crown jewels and the conundrum dagger. What easier way than this is there 
of making it ? Besides, we are adepts in the art, and it will be attended 
with no risk. 



8 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Mac. How do you propose to manage it ? 

Lady M. I leave that to you. Where there's a will there's a way. 

Mac. But I kave no will in this matter, and I have not yet sunk to the 
level of a common cut-throat. 

Lady M. My will is that it shall be done ; so don't bandy words with 
me. If you don't like to cut his throat, you might rummage among his 
ribs. 

Mac. Suppose I agree to do this, how shall I clear myself if I am 
cauglu ? 

Lady M. With a plea of accident, or tempora.ry insanity. There would 
be no difficulty with the latter plea, \x\. your case. 

Mac. I have no quarrel with Bassanio. 

Lady M. Such a trifling consideration as that never used to hinder 
you. 

Mac. If we should fail ! 

Lady M. But screw your courage to the sticking-place, and we'll not 
fail. 

Mac. We will proceed no further in this business at present. I want 
time for thought. 

Lady M. No, Glamis, there is no time like the present ! This is the 
tide in our affairs that is to lead to fortune ; and Shylock wants immediate 
answer. 

Mac. I decline to act upon compulsion. 

Lady M. Fy, my lord, fy ! A soldier, and af eared ? 

Mac. I am not. I dare do all that may become a man ; who dares 
do more is none. 

Lady M. Then prove it. 

Mac. How much does Shylock give for this work ? 
Lady M. Three thousand ducats. 

Mac. What guarantee have you that he will perform his part of the 
contract ? 

Lady M. He has given security. 

Mac. Of what nature? 

Lady M. He has given me his word, two dozen pawn tickets, and one 
hundred shares of Brooklyn Bridge stock. 

Mac. His munificence is princely. I will yield me to thy wishes, al- 
though it is a thought whose horrid image doth unfix my hair, and make my 
seated heart knock at my ribs against the use of nature. 

Lady M. Be bloody, bold, and resolute ! Yet do I fear thy nature • it 
is too full of the milk of human kindness. 

Mac. If 'twere done, when 'tis done, then 'twere well it were done 
quickly! My mind's made up! Let no compunctious visitings of nature 
shake my fell purpose now. {Sharpens his szvord on steel at Lady Mac's 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 9 

belt.) I'll go to prepare my case of instruments, and do you pack my satchel 
and put up my luncheon. 

Sings. Air, ^' Bonnie Dundee ^ 

In my boat I will row to the Isle of Black well, 

And visit poor Bassy, shut up in his cell ; 

And I'll comfort him there with my keen-pointed blade 

And for this by the crafty Shylock will be paid. 

Then fill up my cup, and fill up my can, 
Go pack up my luncheon, for I am your man ; 
And ope the back portal, and out let me go, 
For I'll hence to the murder of Bassanio ! 



With men in striped clothes Blackwell's Isle it is filled, 
And there they've put Bassy — so easily killed ; 
But cheer up, my laddie, and lonesome ne'er be. 
For you've not seen the last o' my dagger and me ! 

Then fill up my cup, and fill up my can, 
Go pack up my luncheon, for I am your man 
And ope the back portal, and out let me go, 
For I'll hence to my revel with Bassanio ! 



Exeunt Macbeth, r. ; Lady Macbeth, l. 



Curtain. 



lo THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 



ACT II. 

Scene — The paj'lor. Door at back. C. Table, R. C, set with tea-things^ 
etc. Chair at table ^ and others about the 7'oom. 

Juliet discovered seated near table, reading. 

Jul. (yaivnijig) Where on earth is that Romeo ? It's a sin and shame the 
way he goes on. He pays no more regard to meal-time than a doctor's gig, 
and he makes such a fuss if his food is not done just to suit him ! Heigh- 
ho ! Here I am buried alive for the second time, and just as much forgot- 
ten as if I had died when I took that overdose of morphine. Why, only 
the other day, when I was calling on old Mrs. Lear, I heard her scream 
from one end of the house to the other, " Mrs. R. Montague ! Mrs. R. 
Montague ! Who the devil is Mrs. R. Montague?" No wonder her hus- 
band thought a low, sweet voice an excellent thing in woman. 

Oh, dear ! if my pa and Romeo's would only forgive us and let us go 
back to Verona ! I'm so sick of being cooped up in this poky little Water- 
Cure establishment, living on next to nothing, and in a room zvithout a 
balcony I And I could have had one, too, only Romeo was so unkind. He 
said I was much too good at that sort of thing, and I had tried that once 
too often already. And when I told him that he at any rate ought not to 
reproach me with it, he said, on the contrary, he was just the one who 
should. 

Hark ! There's Romeo's step. Let me hide my novel. It makes him 
very angry to see me read a novel, and just now I must keep him in particu- 
larly good humor, as I have bought a new gown without telling him any- 
thing about it. 

Romeo {outside) All the world's a stage, and all men and women merely 
players. They have their exits 

Enter Romeo, c. 

Jul. I wish you could make your final stage exit. 

Rom. And their entrances, and one man in his time plays many parts. 
— I play Mike Antony to-morrow. {Sits R.) 

Jul. The noblest Roman on the Mall ! {Sits L.) 

Rom. Yes ; it has come to this, and all for you ! I, Romeo, forced to 
act for a living! 

Jul. Well, It's not the first time a Montague has graced the stage, and we 
must never forget that we belong to the F. F. V.'s. 

Rom. The which ? 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. ii 

Jul. The first families of Verona, to be sure. 

Rom. Yes, Juliet, we are the children of rich but honest parents, tho' in 
the flower of our youth cut off — without a shilling. A plague on both our 
houses ! 

Jul. Romeo, for which of my good parts did you first suffer love for me? 

Rom. Suffer love — a good epithet ! I do suffer love indeed ! Our fami- 
lies were against the match ; but as you fairly threw yourself at my head, 
what could I do? 

Jul. Oh ! would that I had never told my love, but let congealment, like 
a worm in the mud, feed on my damaged cheek ; tho' I pined in thought, 
and, with a green and mellow lemoncholy, sat like Patience on a monument, 
smiling at grief ! 

Rom. And, I pray thee now, tell me for which of my bad parts didst thou 
first fall in love with me ? 

Jul. For them all together. — Romeo, darling, I want a new gown. 

Rom. He jests at scars that never felt a wound.— I am mad. 

Jul. Mad? 

Rom. No, not mad, but bound more than a madman is 

Jul. Romeo ! 

Rorn. Shut /// — in prison, kept without food, poverty-stricken, my only 
fortune (my wife) is my misery ! 

Jul. Romeo, I must have a new one ! 

Rom. And you say must to me, madam ? And dare you then to beard 
the lion in his den ? The proverb is somewhat musty. — Now, do be reason- 
able. You know what a small salary I get as heavy man in this traveling 
theatrical company, and we have had heavy bills of late to meet. There's 
your old nurse's pension, and 

Jul. Yes, and your apothecary's account ; and then it was but yesterday 
you actually gave Friar Lawrence ten- dollars for the Cathedral Fund ! 

Rom. Teach me how I should forget to think ! And to think, if it had 
not been for that meddlesome old nurse and bothersome friar, I might even 
now have been in Verona, well married to 

Jul. Whom ? 

Rom. Some one else. 

Jul. Well, Romeo, you certainly have not as much to complain of as I 
have; the girl you were in love with, Rosaline, would not even look at you, 
whereas County Paris was my adoring slave. 

Rom. Why didn't you marry him, then ? 

Jul. 'Twas not that 1 loved Paris less, but Rome-o more. — However, as 
we are married, I mean to make the best of it. 

Rom. I see you do. 

Jul. Why can't you afford me a new gown ? We certainly are not as 
poor as the Macbeths, and yet Lady Mac has just splurged out in a new black 
velvet. 



12 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Rom. Don't talk to me about the Macbeths : it is nothing but the fear 
of the dame that makes me treat them with even common civility. 

Jul. I know her looks are against her ; but I don't believe she is as bad 
as she seems. I have not been introduced to her yet. 

Rom. On the contrary, she's worse than she seems. I even believe she 
murdered Ham's father ! 

Jul. Nonsense! What would have been her object? 

Rom. Money. Claudius doubtless paid her well for it. She will do 
anything for money. — We all have our price, they say. 

Jul. Romeo, don't revive those old scandals. It is a sure thing that 
Ham's father is dead and sugar-cured ; so do let his spirit rest ! 

Rom. But it won't rest, or give Ham any rest either ; appearing to him 
three times a day just as regularly as meal-time ; and see how spare he is ! 
Ophelia is quite worried about him. I sympathize with Ophelia. 

Jul. Don't concern yourself so much about Ophelia's trials, but come 
back to the tribulations of your own wife. Am I, or am I not to have that 
new gown ? 

Rom. Early and late — early and late ! — You'll ruin me ; there's no 
question about it. 

Jul. Romeo Montague, if I had known what a regular, mean, old screw 
you were, I should never have married you ! 

Rom. I would to heaven you had known ! Sirs, here's a dish I love not ; 
I cannot endure this lady's tongue. I must to work ! Juliet, just hear me 
these lines. But first I'll doff this habit and don my toga and assume the 
wig — 'twill put me in the spirit of the part. [Exit C 

Jul. Why should he play the Roman fool, and strut and fret an hour 
upon the stage? It will be a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, but 
signifying nothing. Oh ! it offends me to the soul to see a robustious, 
periwig-pated fellow tear a passion to tatters, to very rags, to split the ears 
of the groundlings. I could have such a fellow whipped foro'er-doing terma- 
gant 1 

Enter Romeo, c, dressed in white toga bordered with purple. 

Rom. " For us and for our tragedy, here stooping to your clemency, we 
beg your hearing patiently." — Now, Juliet, give us the cue. 

Jul 1st Citizen: " Peace ! let us hear what Antony can say ! Peace, ho ! 
let us hear him !" 

Rom. {gesticulating wildly') "Friends" 

Jul. No more, my lord, no more of that ! You mar all by this starting. 

Rom. "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears ! I come to 
bury Caesar" 

Jul. Great C^sar ! is he dead ? 

Rom. Yes, he's a grave man. — "The evil that men do lives after them, 
unless they go to Europe till the blow is over. The noble Brutus hath told 
you Caesar was ambitious. V.'lu:t does Brutus know about it ? It's not his 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 13 

funeral. — If it were so, it was a grievous fault, and grievously hath Csesar 
answered it. He was my friend, faithful and just to me. He did give me 
a royal villa in the malarial suburbs, yet Brutus says he was ambitious. 
Brutus is a horrible man — so are they all — all horrible men ! When that 
the poor have cried, Caesar hath wept, because it cost him nothing and made 
him solid with the multitude. Was that hambition ?" 

Jul. 1st Citizen : "No, no !" 2d Citizen : "Go it, Antony !" 

Rom. " You ail did see that on the Lupercal I thrice presented him a 
kingly crown, which he did twice refuse. The third time he did try it on, 
and found it a misfit. Was this ambition? No, no, a thousand times no ! 
Ambition should be made of stuff stronger than this. If you have tears to 
shed, prepare to shed them now. Boo-hoo-hoo." { Weeps.) 

Jul. {scornfztll}') Why do you make such faces ? Where did you get 
that goose-look? When all's done, you look but a fool ! 2d Citizen : " Poor 
soul, his eyes are red as fire with weeping !" 

Rorn. " Bear with me — my heart was in the coffin there with Csesar, 
and I did pause till it came back to me. But yesterday the word of Caesar 
might have stood against the World, the Times, the Tribune, the Herald, or 
any other daily journal. To-day he lies — dead for a ducat — dead as a door- 
nail!" 

Jul. But do not saw the air too much with your hand — thus — but use all 
gently ; for in the very torrent, tempest, and, as I may say, the whirlwind 
of passion, you must acquire and beget a temperance that may give it 
smoothness 

Rom. Yes marm. — "See, here's a parchment with the seal of Caesar ; 
{produces scroll) I got it from his lawyer — 'tis his will." 

Jul. Citizens : " The will — the will ! We will hear Caesar's will !" 

Rom. "Have patience, gentle friends: 'twill take an hour to read. 
You all do know this garment ; {shakos cloak) 'tis the most unkindest cut of 
all his clothes. I remember, I remember the first time ever Caesar put it on. 
'Twas on a summer's evening in his guarded tent, ninety degrees in the shade 
— that day he overcame the Nervi-ous chill. — Look, in this place ran Cassius' 
dagger through ! Through this the ci tu Brute stabbed ; and, as he plucked 
his cussed steel away, Mark ! Antony, how the blood of Caesar followed 
it! — Good friends, sweet friends, let me not stir you up to such a sudden 
flood of gluttony" 

Jul. y1/«tiny ! 

Rom. Mutiny. — " I am no orator as Brutus is." 

Jul. Citizens: "No, no; we know you all — a plain, blunt man that 
hath neither wit, nor words, nor worth." 

Rom. " You have forgot the v/ill I told you of. To every single man a 
clerkship in the custom-house he gives. Moreover, he has left you all his 
clothes, milk-tickets, and his arctics ; he hath left them to you, and to your 
heirs forever. Here was a Caesar. Whence comes such another? — The 
collection will now be taken up for the benefit of the remains." 

Jul. " Exeunt, body and ail." 

Rom. Well ? 



14 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Jul. Now take what course thou wilt ! I have already ordered the 
gown. 

Rom. The mischief ! Well, I here do give it thee with all my heart, 
which but thou had'st already, with all my heart I would keep from thee. 
Jul, Doubt that the stars are fire, 

Doubt that the sun doth move, 

Doubt truth to be a liar, 

But never doubt I love. 
Sh ! The melancholy Dane has come, the saddest of them here ! 
Rom. I do desire we may be better strangers. [Exit RoMEO, R. 

(Dirge heard outside. Enter Hamlet, c, who advances slozuly to front. 
He carries skull and bones. Music ceases when Hamlet stops. JuLlET 
contemplates Hamlet as he enters^ then drops into a chair with an ex- 
pression 0/ tueariness.) 

Ham. (after a pause — not having noticed Juliet) To be, or not to be, 
that is the question. Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings 
and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, 
and, by opposing, end them ? To die, to sleep — no more ; and by a sleep 
to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is 
heir to — 'tis a consummation devoutly to be wished. To die, to sleep ; — 
to sleep ! perchance to dream ; ay, there's the rub ; for 

Jul. (rising, and interrupting) Ay, rub up your manners, and take time to 
be polite ! 

Ham. (bowing) Mrs. Montague, I ask your pardon ; I v/as unaware of 
your presence. (Coughs.) 

Jul. There needs no ghost, my lord, come from the grave to tell us this. 
But here, let me offer you some camphor ; you seem to be suffering -v^ith a 
severe cold. 

Ham. (sniffing camphor) You're right again. I don't see where I caught 
this dreadful cough. 

It was a cough that took him off ; 
It vv^as a coffin they took him off in. 

(Coughs.) Methinks I must have found it upon the platform the other 
evening while waiting for my shadowy father. 

Jul. Why, does your father deal in shad ? 

Ham. Madam, my father was a king, no fishmonger! (Sneezes and 
coughs.) O that this too, too solid flesh would melt, thaw, and resolve itself 
into a dew ! But since it doesn't — (his hand drops on skull) Alas, poor 
Yorick ! I knew him, Mrs. Montague ; a fellow of infinite jest, of most ex- 
cellent fancy. He hath borne me upon his back a thousand times — and 
now, behold him here ! 

Jul. Well, never mind if he did, Mr. Hamlet ; you shouldn't take 
these things so much to heart. Now, do you know, I think it's a bad 
thing f<jr you to dress in that everlasting black ? Why don't you follow the 
example of my Romeo, for instance, and pay a little more attention to the 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 15 

fashions ? Good Hamlet, cast thy nightly color off, and let thine eye look 
like a friend on Juliet ! 

Ham. {sighing) 'Tis not alone my inky cloak, fair Juliet, nor customary 
suits of solemn black ; nor graves, nor bones, nor skulls, and all such bric- 
a-brac. No, no ! From my infancy up I have been the plaything of for- 
tune ! 

I never had a piece of bread 

Particularly large and wide, 
But what it fell upon the floor, 
And always on the butter side. 
'Tis too, too badl {Paces the roo?n.) But something to© much of this! 
My nerves are unstrung ! Sit still, my soul, sit still ! ( To Juliet) I'll seek 
my wife ! Can'st tell me where I'll find the fair Ophelia ? 

Jul. I saw her about an hour ago sitting by the horse-trough, and I 
dare say she is there yet. It's enough to give her her death of cold sitting 
around so in the damp ! 

Ham. Why, right ! You're always in the right ! And now I hold it fit 
that we shake hands and part. 

I'll go seek the lost Ophelia 

By the lakelet's sedgy shore ; 
And, departing, leave behind me 

Footprints on the parlor floor. 
Footprints that perhaps another, 

Coming to this Water-Cure, 
Some forlorn, impov'rished brother, 

Seeing, will prepare t'endure ! 



Good-morning 1 



{Dirge. Exit Hamlet, c. 



Jul. Well, now, that Dane is a curious combination — he is a regular puz- 
zler ! We have been here now a week or more, and notwithstanding my best 
efforts I have not been able to make the slightest impression on him. But 
don't give up the ship, Juliet — with life there's hope ! 

Oh ! here comes Portia ! 

Enter Portia, l. 

Is that you, Mrs. Bassanio ? 

Por. Ergo est ego, it is I ! How poor that language is which to denote 
so great a thing employs so weak a word — it is I ! 

Jul. Language is a snare and a delusion, as I have found to my cost, 
Mrs. B. 

Por. Qui tarn — what of that ? Because one has been weak, shall none 
be strong? Because one missed the right, shall all do wrong? No, no ! 
The purity of language is not stained : it droppeth as the gentle rain 

Jul. If you knew my Romeo, you'd say it dropped very much more like 
hail! 



i6 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Por. Durante vita — do not interrupt ! It is twice blessed ; it blesseth 
him that gives, and him that takes 

Jul. That's true enough ! At least that's the indiscriminate way in 
which blessings are showered on me. 

Por. Mala causa, silenda est — why cannot you be silent ? — 'Tis mighti- 
est in the mighty. It becomes the learned lawyer better than his gown. 
His language shows the force of legal power, the attributes of law and 

equity, wherein doth sit the fear and dread of knaves. Therefore, Jew 

Jul. {starting up) I'm not a Jew ; the Capulets have not one drop of 
Jewish blood in their veins ! 

Por. Pshaw ! I did not say Jew. 

Jul. Yes you ddi. and you looked at me as if I were the concentrated 
essence of all the lost tribes ! 

Por. Nugce canom — silly creature ! Don't you understand? It was a 
slip of the tongue : I meant to say you. Therefore you, if language be your 

plea 

Jul, By the way, Portia, talking of Jews — what became of your old 
friend Shylock ? Did you ever see him after that day you got the better of 
him in court ? 

Por. Did I ever see him ? O Juliet, Juliet, that wretched Israelite is a 
skeleton in my closet ! 

Jul. A skeleton ! Is he dead ? 

Por. Dead ? No — fieri facias — -a figure of speech ! Lineal descendant 
of Methuselah, he is as invulnerable as his wandering prototype. Juliet, he 
is staying at this Water-Cure now ! 

Jul. But what of that ? Surely he cannot harm you — you, the rich heiress 
of Belmont ! 

Por. Alas ! Ex post facto — I am such no more. Listen, Juliet ! You 
know the story of my wretched courtship ? 

Jul. Wretched? You call your courtship wretched when you had your 
own way from beginning to end ? Why, I always fancied it the acme of 
amatory blessedness ! 

Por. It was a slave auction, neither more nor less, in which I — /was 
knocked down to not the highest but the slyest bidder. It was a miserable 
swindle from beginning to end. — Nerissa winked at him I 
Jul. Winked at him ? 

Por. He bribed her to wink at him when he should take up the right 
casket. 

Jul. But so clever a lawyer as you, Portia, should have discovered the 
cheat 1 

Por. I do not require a little chit like you to tell me what I should or 
should not have done. 

Jul. The truth is, Portia, you couldn't fall in love like any one else, but 
had to try some new and startling way of doing it, and so you over-reached 
yourself. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 17 

Por. Had I been bold and forward enough to try it as you did, at your 
age, Mrs. Montague, I should have been whipped and sent to bed. 

Jul. I think such treatment would not have come amiss to you at any 
age, Mrs. B. 

Por. I scorn you, Mrs. Montague ! I consider you beneath contempt. 

Jul. O, wise and upright judge ! 

Por. Begone, lest I wither you with the lightning of the law ! 

Rom. (outside) Juliet! Juliet! 

Jul. A Daniel come to judgment — a Daniel ! I thank thee, Jew, for 
teaching me that word ! 

Rom. (outside) Juliet! Juliet! 

Jul. Yes, yes, Romeo ; do be quiet ! No wonder that poor apothecary 
said, " Who calls so loud ?"" 

Rom. (outside) JuXiti \ 

Por. (tnockingly) How silver sweet sound husbands' tongues by night ! 
Don't they, Mrs. Montague ? 

Jul. O, wise and upright judge ! How much more elder art thou than 
thy looks ! 

Rom. (outside) Juliet ! Juliet ! 

Jul. Oh ! Romeo, do be quiet — I'm coming. [Exit JULIET, R. 

Por. A pretty couple indeed ! A pair they are who pull not well in 
double harness. (Sits.) But, after all, Romeo's no worse than my own 
Bassanio — the spendthrift ! 

Shylock appears at door, c, and listens quietly, 

Bassy, Bassy, what shall I ever do with you ? His month's allowance has 
already gone, and on the Island is he boarding now, the guest of our fair 
city. (Falls into a reverie^ 

Shylock enters cautiously, carrying banjo. 

Shy. (Aside. Sings, Air, '''• Nelly Gray V) 

Yes, he's gone to Blackwell's Isle, and they'll keep him there a while, 

And he'll find it very, very hard to leave ; 

In the middle of the river where the current runs so swift, 

Yes, he'll find it very, very hard to leave. 

{Pauses — then aside) How like a fawning publican she looks ! I hate her, 
for she is a Christian ; but more for that in low simplicity she lends out 
money gratis, and thus brings down the rate of usance here with us. Still, 
she is rich, and if my plans have been wrought out, she and that which I do 
value more, her gold, shall yet be mine. 

Por. (turning) Ha! Shylock, what is your business? 

Shy. The lowly Jew would fain express in music sweet the mission which 
has driven him to call. 

Por. Be brief ! 



i8 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Shylock spreads handkerchief carefully on floor, kneels upon ii, tunes banjo^ 

and sings. 

{Air, ' ' Baby Farming. " — Pinafore,) 

Shy. Fair Portia, thou dost see 

A Jew of low condition. 
Who hopeless loveth thee 

And Bassy, the patrician. 
To serve you both I try, 

As all the world doth know, too, 
Though some may say, " he's sly," 
'Tis false, I do assure you ! 
Por. Peace, old man ! 

Shy. See how on bended knee 

This bearded monster bows low, 
And envies, truthfully. 

The ground on which you walk so. 
True, he is but a Jew, 

And you a gentile fairy. 
Yet he loves oiily you, 

Though of his love you're chary. 

Por. Cease, you musty old fustilarian ! You are more annoying than a 
book-peddler. 

Shy. O Cupid, wicked sprite, 

However could you do it ? 
You've wounded me, poor wight, 

Forever must I rue it ! 
Your arrows pierce my heart. 

Which is all rent and torn ; 
'Tis your sharp, rankling dart 

That makes me so forlorn ! 

Por. If you knew what 'twere good to do, you would pack up your Jews- 
harp and be gone ! 

Shy. Consider well, O Portia, that which I have herein stated. 

Por. But why should I, of royal birth, stoop to observe a paltry vender of 
ancient rags? — To be sure, thou hast done much for my Bassanio ; locsis 
securitatem — giving security for all our debts in shape of leases. 

Shy. {aside) She doth not know that the laws just introduced absolve 
them both from all their obligations. (7"^ Portia) What I have sacrificed 
I would again do o'er to serve thee in the least. 

Por. (aside) True, Heaven made hira, and therefore let him pass for a man ! 

Shy. I had hoped thou mightest wish to ride with me upon the Ele- 
vated Road to-day ; 'tis my only vehicle. 

Por. O generous Jew ! But spare thy ducats — thy daughter may have 
need of them. 

Enter Hamlet, c, bearing a huge, black-bordered letter. 

Ham. {Sings. Air, ^' Clang of the Wooden Shoon.'^) 

1 am the bearer of dreadful news ; 
Though very unpleasant, I couldn't refuse 
To carry the terrible, terrible news. 
The terrible news to Portia. 

For. What hast thou, Noah's son ? 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 19 

Ham. 'Tis a letter writ in blood, that tells of murder, a foul and most 
unnatural murder ! 

Por. and Shy. Murder ? 

Ham. {nodding) Horrible — most horrible ! 

{^Hands letter to PoRTiA, and exit C. 

Pon {readSf and clasps hef hands in agony) The light of my eye is dead, 
and I, in fine, am left alone f Listen, Shylock! A letter from Macbeth, 
wherein he says ; '* I visited Bassanio to-day to give him strength where- 
with to bear his woes, and lo ! 1 saw a knife all wet with blood lying beside 
him, and beheld a rent some envious Casca made in his poor side. And as 
I raised him from the ground he whispered, ' I owe my all to Shylock ; give 
him my love, for he hath served me well ' — Macbeth." 

This news unmans me — now is Portia husbandless ! But tell me, Shy- 
lock, is a widow responsible for her husband's debts ? 

Shy,, No — speak not of it ! Sorrow not, Portia, o'er thy wretched lot ; 
my strong right hand shall aid thee in distress ! Say that thou v/ilt be 
mine ! 'Tis almost spring ! Methiuks the grass will soon be green o'er 
Bassy's grave — ne'er mind a widow's weeds ! Accipe me! 

Por. I prithee wait awhile; I mast have time to think. You know the 
conditions of my father's will. Behold, there stand the caskets, noble jew ! 
If you choose that v/herein my picture is contained, straight shall our 
nuptial rites be solemnized. But, if you fail, without more words, my lord, 
you must be gone from hence immediately. 

Hands hi?}t three caskets. Shylock chooses one. 

Shy. {takes out picture) Fair Portia's counterfeit ! 

Por. 'Tis just my luck ! I fared no better with Bassanio! But, since 
'tis so, I will be gracious ! You see me, Mr. Shylock, where I stand, such 
as I am: though, for myself alone, I would not be ambitious in my wish, to 
wish myself much better ; yet, for you, I would be trebled twenty times my- 
self ; a thousand times more fair, ten thousand times more rich. 

Shy. Well, come with me upon the Elevated Road at all events. But, 
no, I must fly! {Takes his banjo and sings.) 

Farewell ! my own, 

Light of my heart, farewell ! 
I go to Chatham Street, 

My goods to sell. 
There, 'mid my hats, 

My coats, and my banjos— free 
I'll sing so faithfully 

Of myself and thee. 

(Aside) Aha! craftiness doth v^in the day I Methinks I hear the clink of 
precious coin, and see its yellow light flashing the sun's warm rays in open 
challenge back ! [Exit C. 

Per. (sinking into chair) What an ordeal was that ! I feel quite faint ! 
But hark! some one is coming. I must conceal my agitation. 

Enter Ophelia, l. 
Well, child, how are you ? 



20 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Oph. Very well, I thank you, I came to get a cup of tea. 

Por. Tea? I had forgotten! {They sit at table.) So you, too, area 
devotee at the shrine of hydropathy? 

Oph. Oh, no ! I tried the cold-water treatment once, and nearly died of 
it. Are you undergoing it ? 

Por. Not for myself ; we are sojourning here for the benefit of my late 
husband's friend, Antonio, who is the victim of an alarming corpulency. 

Oph. Did his too, too sordid flesh melt, as Ham says ? 

Por. Very little ! Ah ! how gladly would he now part with a hundred 
pounds of that of which he was so unwilling to lose one ! But viam mun- 
dam — it is the way of the world ! 

Oph. That's just what Ham says. 

Por. Ah, indeed ! about what? 

Oph. Everything! Ham takes a very gloomy view of life in general. 

Por. Yes, I always noticed a slight shade of melancholy in his con- 
versation, 

Oph. And he used to be so gay !— quite the Sydney Smith of Denmark ! 
But he has never been quite the same since the murders. 

Por. The murders ! What murders? 

Oph. Oh ! we got so used to them. There was — let me see — {counting 
on her fingers) Ham's grandfather, his father, his uncle, his mother, his 
great-grandmother — that's five ; and my grandmother, my father, my brother, 
my great-aunt — nine. There was a tenth somewhere. Let me count over : 
Ham's 

Por. No, no J I can't stand it! Who was the vile perpetrator? 

Oph. (slowly) Ham says 

Por. (vehemently) Who did it? 

Oph. Ham says that is a question futurity alone can solve ; and then 
again he says their fates are wrapt in gloom, 

Por, {shuddering) I should think as much ! [Exit PoRTiA, L. 

Oph. Ham says — Oh ! she's gone ! Well, she needn't have been in 
such a hurry. — But, as I was going to say, I am very fond of Ham — very ; 
but there are times when he is a trying person to live with. For instance, 
he considers himself cleverer than I, and that's a chord he's fond of harping 
on till it becomes like sweet bells jangled out of tune and harsh, as he 
expresses it ; and if I open my eyes a little, he curls his lip scornfully and 
says, " There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in 
your philosophy, Ophelia." And if I tell him some simple piece of news 
about the fashions or our neighbors — anything that seems strange to me — he 
remarks indifferently, "Seems, madam? Nay, it is ; I know not seems," 
For instance, when I told him hoop-skirts were going out, and thought it 
would be a pleasant surprise, knowing how he hates them, he only shrugged 
his shoulders and said, "Oh! what a falling off is there! Be somewhat 
scantier of thy maiden presence then." (Sits.) So, what with his playing 
very badly on the flute, and wanting me to keep a horrid skull on my 
dressing-table, I do have mv trials. Oh ! here he comes. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 21 

Enter Hamlet, c. 

Ham. Soft I how now — the fair Ophelia ! 

Oph. Good my lord, how does your honor ? 

Ham. I humbly thank you, well. I was looking for you at the horse- 
trough. Where's your father? 

Oph. Where's my father ? Why, you murdered him, my lord, some time 
since ! 

Ham. Go to I The incident had slipped my mind. 

Oph, Why, don't j^ou remember, Ham dear? You killed papa just 
after you murdered grandmamma, and just before you stabbed Laertes. 

Ham. Quite true ; and the jury returned a verdict of "justifiable homi- 
cide." {Starts) Opheha, sweet, can'st find that pin ? There's one upon my 
neck that's sticking in? {OvueiaPi. removes large bonnet-pin from flannel 
bandage arotind his ilvvat.) For this relief much thanks. 

Oph. This is indeed a pin to scratch a man to death ! (HAM coughs.') 
That cough again ! I do hope this water-cure is going to do you some 
good, Ham dear. You certainly were in an awful state when we left 
Elsinore. 

Ham. And those stupid old Danish doctors never found out what the 
matter was. 

Oph. They didn't think it worth while to ask me about it. I could have 
told them what the trouble was. We didn't have all those empty bottles 
lying about the house for nothing ! {Clock strikes three times.) 

Ham. 'Tis our grandfather's clock, just home from Sypher's ! 

Oph. Then 'tis time for him to take his medicine. {Gets pill-box and 
spoon from table.) Two pills, or not two pills, that is the question— but I 
don't see that it makes any great difference ! {Administers dose.) 

Ham. {knocking away spoon.) Throw physic to the dogs ! I'll none 
of it. 

Oph. Oh, what a rash and hasty deed is this ! 

Ham. I'll take it not. This physic but prolongs my sickly days. 
Ophelia, when I'm dead and gone, taken by that fell sergeant Death, so 
strict in his arrest, do thou report me and my cause aright to the unsatisfied. 
And now, by way of practice, recite for me my latest poem, the which I gave 
you yester e'en, and speak the speech, I pray you, as I pronounced it to you, 
trippingly upon the tongue. 

Oph. {recites rapidly.) Why? Wherefore thus ? and whence should it 
be so ? 

Ham, {interrupting.) Nay, nay, nor be not too hasty, neither, but let 
your own discretion be your tutor. Suit the action to the word, and the 
word to the action. 

Oph. {recites slowly :) 

Why ? wherefore thus ? and whence should it be so ? 
Oh ! what forbodes the mood the mind must know ! 
But if 'tis thus, and yet not wholly told, 



22 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

What of the new, the finite, and the old ? 
Complete, yet never measured, all and each : 
Then tell him what the rules the thought must teach, 
And whence the syllogistic meaning high 
Which leaves and stays, and, pausing, passes by, 
Downv/ard for e'er nor upward evermore. 
How desperately dark the need to soar, 
While whispers pass, and silence creeps along, 
And reason, sobbing, smiles on righteous wrong ! 
Ham. Excellent well, excellent well ! But now cudgel thy brains no 

more about it. 

Oph. Well, then, to change the subject, as I v/as about to remark. Ham 

dear, one never speaks of 

Enter Ghost, r. 

Ham. {starting — addressing Ghost.) 

Angels and ministers of grace defend US ! 
Be thou a spirit of health, or goblin damned, 
Bring with thee airs from heaven or blasts from hell, 
Thou comest in such a questionable shape 
That I will speak to thee ; I'll call thee 

Exit Ghost, r. 
Ha ! 'tis gone ! 
Oph. Alas ! my lord, how is't with you that you do bend your eye on 
vacancy? Whereon do you look ? 
Ham. Did'st see nothing pass? 

Oph. Nothing, good my lord. This is the very coinage of your brain I 
Ham. Nay, by my prophetic soul, it was my father-in-law ! 
Oph. These are but wild and whirling words, my lord. 

Re-enter Ghost, r. 

Ham. He comes again ! On him — on him ! Look you, how pale he 
glares ! His form and cause conjoined, preaching to stones, would make 
them capable. Royal Chamberlain, speak, speak. Oh, speak and an- 
swer me ! Let me not burst in ignorance ! but tell why thy canonized 
bones, hearsed in death, have burst their cerements ! Why the sepulchre, 
wherein we saw thee quietly in-urn'd, hath oped his ponderous and marble 
jaws to cast thee up again ! 

Oph. What have I done, that thou dost wag thy tongue in noise so rude 
against me? 

Ham. Why, look you there! look how it steals away! Your father in 
his habit as he lived ! Look, where he goes, even now, out at the portal ! 

Exit Ghost, r. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 23 

Oph. Alas ! he's mad ! Oh ! what a noble mind is here o'erthrown ! 

Ham. {looking after Ghost.) Rest, rest, perturbed spirit — rest, rest, rest. 
Oph. But I will win him back to reason with a pleasant theme. 

Why are you doleful, doleful, Hamlet? 

Why, why are you always so blue ? 
Could you not cheer up a little, Hamlet ? 

O Ham, if you can smile, pray do. 

Why have you taken to tombstones, Hamlet ? 

Why don't you try polo instead ? 
You know it was moping out there in the grave-yard 
You caught that bad cold in your head. 

(Hamlet sneezes,^ 
I know you are tired of groaning, Hamlet, 

And weary of tear and of sigh ; 
So do make an effort, I beg you, Hamlet, 
To shake off your gloom and be spry. 
Ham. {aside.) I will speak daggers to her, but use none. 
Oph. Hamlet, for shame ; now, don't lose your temper. Remember, I 
am the only relative you haven't murdered. 
Ham. By my halidome, 'tis true ! 

Oph. {taking skull from table.) Here, take your skull. I will not have 
Alas-poor- Yorick left on the parlor table. ( Thrusts skull at Hamlet, who 
takes it and paces the floor.) There he goes again, in one of his cheerful little 
soliloquies, discussing, I daresay, as usual, " whether 'tis nobler in the mind 
to suffer," — but I think he generally decides that it is not. {After a pause) 
My lord, did you enjoy your accustomed walk in Greenwood? 
Ham. Ay ! 

The passing knell was rung quite well, 

But then forsooth 'twas very dull 
For in my walks, nor up nor down 
Could I not find a single skull. 
Ah ! these times are out of joint. 

Oph. Then what detained you, good my lord, so long within the cheer- 
ful precincts of the silent tomb ? 

Ham. {spitefully.) I was taking the measure of an unmade grave. 
Oph. Marry, for thyself I trow ? 
Ham. Nay, sweet Ophelia, 'twas for thee I dug ! 
Oph. O cursed spite ! But thou didst love me once ! 
Ham. Lay not that flattering unction to thy soul ! 
Oph. Then was I the more deceived ! 

Ham. I loved thee not ! (Ophelia screams. Hamlet, with rage) Get 
thee to a tannery ! Go ! {Ovuklia faints .) 

Ham. She's off again ! {Pause.) O frailty, thy name is woman ! I 
was too harsh with this slight creature. Alas ! what have I done ? I did 



24 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

be cruel only to be kind ; thus bad begins, and worse remains behind } 
{Feels Ophelia's pulse.) I fear me she has departed to that undiscovered 
country, from whose bourn no traveler returns. Alas ! it is too true ! She's 
dead for a ducat, dead, and I have killed her ! 

( Collapses. Gradually revives., and sings .•) 
{Air, ^'•Douglas., Tender and True^) 

Could ye come back to me, Phelia, Phelia, 

In the old likeness that I knew, 
I would be so gentle, so loving, Phelia ; 

Phelia, Phelia, tender and true ! 

I'll go no more moping 'mid tombstones, Phelia, 
Nor stay out at night in the fall of the dew ; 

But I'll do just whatever you bid me, Phelia ; 
Phelia, Phelia, tender and true ! 

I'll get you a bonnet from Paris, Phelia, 
The latest of shapes, and of styles the most new, 

And you shall dress better than Portia, Phelia ; 
Pheha, Phelia, tender and true ! 

(Hamlet applies restoratives. Ophelia shows signs of life.) 

Ham. She moves, she starts, she seems to feel a thrill of life from head 
to heel ! 

Oph. {very faintly.) What was that odor of Araby ? 

Ham. My life, it was benzine. 

Oph, I thought as much ; it smells to heaven ! That was the most 
unkindest cut of all. 

Ham. I admit the soft impeachment — 'twas hardly kind. 

Oph. Give me to drink, good Hamlet, 

Ham. Too much of water hast thou, fair Ophelia ; smile thou on this, 
and take new life. {Hands her small flask.) 

Oph. {sipping.) Thanks ; once more I breathe. Methought I heard, a 
moment since, the murmur of approaching spring — costumes. Did mine ears 
deceive me ? 

Ham. {aside.) The spring costume 1 I was inhopesit might have slipped 
her memory. 

Oph. Ham, dear, did mine ears deceive me ? 

Ham. No, no I 

{Sings. Air, '' Baby Mine.") 

Now I'll go and buy the gown, Phelia mine, Phelia mine, 
Now I'll go and buy the gown, Phelia mine, Phelia mine, 
And you yourself shall see how stylish it will be, 
And you'll like it when you get it, Phelia mine, Phelia mine, 
And you'll like it when you get it, Phelia mine I 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 25 

Oph. And the bonnet, Ham, you'll not forget the bonnet ? 
Ham. The bonnet ! Still harping on the bonnet ? 

{Sings.) 

No, I'll not forget the bonnet, Phelia mine, Phelia mine, 
No, I'll not forget the bonnet, Phelia mine, Phelia mine, 
Thou may'st depend on me, I will bring it here to thee, 
And I'll have it here anon, Phelia mine, Phelia mine, 
And I'll have it here anon, Phelia mine ! 

Oph. But, Hammy, whither goest thou now ? 
Ham. To Macy's, ho! to Macy's ! 

[Exit Hamlet, c. 

Oph. Ay, to be sure, for the bonnet. — I don't know how it is, but I 
really am getting quite nervous with all Ham's dreadful talk, and the awful 
way he has of seeing ghosts over one's shoulder — {starts). What's that ? 
Ohl it's my Lady Macbeth. {Rises.) Good-evening to your ladyship ! 

Enter Lady Macbeth, r. 

Lady M. Here, sweet Ophelia? I too seek " the cup that cheers but 
no inebriates," as a Sassenach poet hath it. Sitdoon, lassie, sit doon. {They 
sit.) My guidman's wi' thine, and I left them discoorsing anent speerits and 
bogies and a' the uncanny things they could conjure up. 

Oph. Oh ! dear, I wish Ham wouldn't ! He'll talk about them to me 
all night, "to harrow up thy soul, freeze thy young blood, make thy two 
eyes like stars start from their spheres, thy knotted and combined locks 
to part, and each particular hair to stand on end like quills upon the fret- 
ful porcupine" — as he pleasantly remarks when I ask him why he tells me 
such dreadful things. 

Lady M. Eh ! but the laddie must be clean daft ! But I sympathize wi' 
ye, my dear. I'm the veriest old coward in the world, and I could na' go 
to my ain room just now, for 'tis no more than a bedlam wi' that howling 
blackamoor next door. 

Oph. Oh ! you mean Othello ! 

Lady M. Indeed I do. He sits there shouting negro melodies mornin', 
noon, and night. 

Oph. Ham says the times are out of tune, and that Othello is a jig- 
maker. 

Lady M. Well, that's no what I should ca' him mysel', forbye he may 
seem like one to your Hamish. 

Oph. Hamish ! My husband's name is not Hamish. I wouldn't have 
married a man named Hamish. 

Lady M. Well, my dear, it's as 2:ude as ony in Auld Reekie, so it maun 



26 " THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

be better than ony in Danemark. The name is weel kenned in my ain 
family besides. There were Hamish Mackay, and my mother's great-uncle, 
Haraish Macgoyle, and my sister-in-law's second husband, Hamish Mac- 
duff, and Hamish 

Oph. But these are abstracts and brief chronicles of the time, as Ham 
says. Forgive me for interrupting you, but shan't I pour you out a cup of 
tea? 

Lady M. True, true, I had forgotten it, {They drink tea.) Does your 
Ham no drink tea ? 

Oph. No ; he calls it weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable. 

Lady M. Bless the chiel ! When he says a thing he means it. Oh ! 
that my Macbeth were loike him ! My guidman is a sair guidman ; but 
between ourselves, sv/eet Ophelia, he's a little in the sear and yellow leaf, 
and mickle easy to be blown about. 

Oph. Yes, a king of shreds and patches, as Ham says. 

Lady M, Eh ! out upon ye ! You and Ham are sair impudent, and, 
by the bluid of the Macfiies, I'll no stand it. (Ophelia /^//j on her knees. 
Lady Macbeth seizes her by the hair and Jiotirishes knife.') 

Oph. Oh! dear, what did I say? Ham's always telling me I out-herod 
Herod, but indeed I did not mean to ! 

Lady M. Weel, weel ! say no more about it. You're a silly chiel, and 
that's the truth ; but I'm a good-tempered old body after all. (OPHELIA 
rises. ) 

Enter Juliet, c. 

Jul. Oh ! dear Ophelia, what an age since we met ! Kiss me, sweet. 

Lady M. {pidlin^i; Ophelia's sleeve.') Introduce me, my dear. 

Oph. Lady Macbeth, of Dunblane Castle, Scotland— Mrs. Romeo Mon- 
tague, of Verona. 

Jul. What's in a name ? A rose by any other name would smell as sweet, 
or be as surrounded by thorns. 

Oph. Yes, or, as Han^ says : 

" Imperious Ccesar, dead and turned to clay, 
Might stop a hole to keep the wind away." 

Jul. Oh ! you dear delicious little mousie ! I wonder if you ever know 
what you're talking about ! 

Lady M. Just what I was wondering of you both, my dears. 

Jul. Ha, ha ! Well, hov/ever wild my own remarks may be, they do not 
partake of the nature of sandwiches. 

Lady M. Sandwiches ? 

Jul. Yes — bread and butter interspersed with thick layers of Ham. 

Oph. A hit, a very palpable hit, as Ham says ; but I don't care. If you 
had as clever a husband as mine, you'd quote him too. 

Enter Portia, hurriedly, L. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 27 

Por. It's too much — much too much. Zonam perdidit ! — death and per- 
dition ! 

Lady M. Mrs. Bassanio, you forget yourself and us. 

Por. Oh I don't be alarmed. I mentioned no names ; my language is not 
actionable. 

Lady M. But its very ob-jactionable. 

Enter Romeo and Macbeth, c. 

Rom. Put money in thy purse. He who borrows my purse takes 
trash — 'tis something, nothing — 'twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to 
thousands. 

Mac. Romeo, the hate I bear thee can afford no better term than this — 
thou art a villain ! 

Rom. And what is he that says I play the villain ? Villain am I none. I 
see thou knowest me not. 

Mac. You shag-eared villain, let me tell you you yourself are much con- 
demned to have an itching palm. * 

Rom. I an itching palm ? You wrong me every way ; you wrong me, Mac. 

Mac. You know that you are a Montague that speaks this, or, by the 
gods, this speech were else your last. 

Rom. I'd rather be a dog and bay the moon than such a Scotch-terrier. 

Mac. Fellow, bait not me ; I'll not endure it : you forget yourself to 
hedge me in ; I am a soldier, I, older in practice, abler than yourself to 
make conditions. 

Rom. Go to — you are not, Mac. 

Mac. Away, slight man ! Urge me no more, I shall forget myself ; have 
mind upon your health, tempt me no further. 

Por. Oh, the dreadful creature ! 

Oph. The designing villain ! 

Jul. The uncanny Scot I 

Lady M. The fit is on him again. 

Rom. Have you not love enough to bear with me? 

lUIac. Do not presume too much upon my love ; I may do that I shall be 
sorry for. 

Rom. You have done that you should be sorry for. There is no terror. 
Cashless, in your threats ; for I am armed so strong in honesty, that they 
pass by me as the idle wind, which I respect not. 

Mac. I did send to you for certain sums of gold, for I can raise no money 
by vile means — by heaven, I'd rather coin my heart ! I did send to you for 
gold to pay for my lodgings, which you denied me. Was that done like a 
Montague ? Should I have answered Romeo Montague thus ? When C. 
Macbeth grows so covetous, to lock such rascal counters from his friends, 
be ready, gods, with all your thunderbolts— dash him to pieces ! ( Threatens 
Romeo with sword.) 



28 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Oph. The croaking raven doth bellow for revengje. 

Jul. (/^ Romeo.) I would I had thy inches ; this vile Scot should know 
what it is to brave a Montague. What shall we do with him ? — Bribe him ! 

Oph. Drown him ! 

Por. Prosecute him ! 

Lady M. Intimidate him ! 

Rom, Revenge thyself alone on Romeo. There is thy dagger, here ihy 
fifth rib ; within, a heart dearer than Plutus' mine, richer than gold. (Eh, 
Juliet?) If thou beest a Scotchman, take it forth ; I, that denied thee gold, 
will give my heart ; strike as thou did'st at Duncan ; for I know when thou 
did'st hate him worst, thou loved'st him better than ever thou loved'st me. 

All. Police I 

Jul. Romeo, Romeo, why is this thus ? 

Lady M. {to Macbeth.) Why, what a fool art thou to brag and stamp 
and swear ! Thou slave, thou wretch, thou coward, to frighten women so. 
Thou wear a lion's hide ! Doff it, for shame, and hang a calf's skin on 
those recreant limbs. Infirm of purpose — give me the sword ! 

Jul. Romeo Montague, you mortify me. Where is your old-time cour- 
age? Remember how skillfully you finished off my cousin Tybalt and the 
County Paris, and yet this vicious Scot still walks the earth ! Bah ! I'll 
disown you. 

Rom. My untamed Capulet ! 

Lady M. {to Macbeth.) Make your apologies to these ladies and 
gentlemen for this unaccountable conduct. 

Mac. {Sings. Air, " Three Policemen,'''*') 

You'd scarce expect a Scot like me, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io ! 

To be polite as I should be. 

My manners may be rather free, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io ! 

When on my native heath I stand, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io ! 

My trusty claymore in my hand. 

The vassals bow at my command, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io 

If now and then my rage I show, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io I 

And thus do frighten Romeo, 

You'll all excuse me then, I know, 
Luddy, fuddy, whack-fa-luddy io ! 

{To Romeo.) Be stingy when thou wilt — it shall have scope. 

Rom. {advancing) Macbeth, this noble passion, child of integrity, hath 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 29 

from my soul wiped the black scruples, reconciled my thoughts to thy good 
truth and honor. Shake ! ( They shake hands and strike attitude.') 

Oph. I'm growing very hungry ; isn't it almost lunch-time ? What hour 
now? 

Enter Shylock and Hamlet, c, in conversation, Hamlet carries 
Ophelia's ne',.ij bonnet by the string. 

Shy. Three thousand ducats ! 'Tis a mighty sum, and, as I think, too 
much. 

Ham. Nay, nay, thou ancient file, the price is low. The whole suit goes 
for that. 

Shy. Yea, but the sword-cut and the spots of blood should, as I take it, 
carry discount. 

Ham. Well, more of this anon. ( To Ophelia.) 

{Sings, Air, ^' Arabfs Daughter,^') 

Behold what is here for Polonius' daughter ! 

A bonnet it is from the store of Ma-cy. 
No finer e'er decked out a milliner's counter 

Than this one I've purchased, Ophelia, for thee. 

So take it and wear it, the color's becoming, 
You always looked well in the lightest of blue ; 

And truly I think it will make a sensation 
When next you appear on the Fifth Av-enue. 

Oph. O, Ham dear, what a pretty bonnet? {Puts it on.) It's one of 
Macy's best, and just my favorite color, too ! But do not sell it to this 
Jewl 

Ham. Ophelia, you mistake ; 'twas not of that we spoke ; 'twas of Po- 
lonius' suit, the which I am inclined to sell, and even yet, methinks, the Jew 
may buy. 

{During the above Portia and Shylock have been conversing apart. Juliet 
notices this, and calls Romeo's attention to it; both smile thereat. Por- 
tia becomes conscious, and, after a moTnenfs hesitation, rushes off, L. 
Shylock, bewildered, pauses, and then follows her.) 

Ham. {knowingly.) Well, ladies, have you heard the news ? 

All. The news ! What news ? 

Ham. Why, marry, the engagement. 

Rom. What, an engagement to marry ? 

Ham. Ay, to be sure. 

Jul. But who are the parties? 



30 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Ham. Season your admiration for a while. Can you not think ? 

Oph. Not I. 

Jul. Nor I. 

Lady M. Nor I. 

Ham. Dame Rumor hath it that our friend, the Jew, has sought the 
hand of royal Portia. 

Jul. Of Portia ! 

Lady M. And did she smile upon his suit ? 

Ham. The caskets favored, and he won her hand. 

Oph. And heart. 

Jul. And fortune. 

Mac. Yes, mark you that,'her fortune ! 

Lady M. The pawnbroker is sly 

Rom. As any fox. But courtesy demands that we give them a dinner 
(Juliet nudges him) at Shylock's expense. 

Mac. We'll do it. 

All. {Sing. Air, ''Wait f of the Wagons) 

Yes, we'll give them a swell dinner, 

And let Shylock foot the bill ; 
We'll have fish and game in season, 

And of them we'll eat our fill. 

Chorus. 

Then wait for the dinner, wait for the dinner ; 
Then wait for the dinner, and we'll all be there. 

A week from Monday morning, 

With Portia by his side, 
He'll hie unto the synagogue, 

And there make her his bride. 

Chorus. 

Then wait for the wedding, wait for the wedding, 
Then wait for the wedding, and we'll all be there. 

Oh ! we'll set them up in housekeeping, 

In flats a la francais ; 
Expense is Uttle matter. 

For Portia is good pay. 

Chorus. 

Yes, she has the ducats, she has the ducats, 
Yes, she has the ducats, and always is good pay. 

Curtain. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 31 



ACT III. 

Scene — The Dining-hall. Table, c. , with chairs arranged for dinner, 
Ot\it\\o {discovered setting table. Sings. Air, ''Nancy Till.") 

In me you see Othello, 

Oft called " de jealous Moor "— 
I have crossed de briny ocean 

To dis famous Water-Cure. 
My fortune went agin me, 

And I lost my money all, 
So now I pass de viands 

In dis gorgeous dining-hall. 

Chorus. 

Othello, de gay and festive nig, 

Who has lost his rank and title, 
And yet doesn't care a fig. 

Othello, de military Moor, 
A-waiting on de table 

At de Shakespeare Water-Cure. 

Desdemona's in de kitchen, 

Whar de dishes she do clean, 
And de daughter of Brabantio 

Do take it rather mean. 
But she's an equal partner 

In de matrimonial firm. 
So I lets her share de profits 

By a-working out her term. 

Chorus. 

Othello, de gay and festive nig, 

Who has lost his rank and title, 
And yet doesn't care a fig. 

Othello, de mihtary Moor, 
A-waiting on de table 

At de Shakespeare Water-Cure. 

Dis climate am funny ; it am geographical. Yesterday 'twas hot as Ecuador ; 
to-day it's positively Chili ! I arrived here last week from Cyprus, by bal- 



33 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

loon, wid Desdemony packed away in de bottom of my valise to keep her 
from flirting wid de white trash on de way. Our Mediterranean trip's at an 
end ; I came here for Desdy's sake. De fact am, dat ever since I told her 
dat long story in de back kitchen of her fader's store in Venus (it took three 
nights a week for three years and a half to tellj, about de swords, de cannons, 
dc fights, de wounds, and all de rest of it, her ear became entirely too greedy 
for dat kind of discourse, and, in proportion as it was administered, so de 
ear increased in size until it became elephantine. Hence our sojourn here. 
So perfect is dis 'ere Cure, one week has reduced it to a tiny shell. Shake- 
speare — what a cure ! 

'Tis true dat we have fallen from our high estate* When we go out, which 
we don't do often, 'cause Desdy has an aversion to sheet and pillow-case 
parties, 'tis by de basement door. In short, we are now decidedly domestic 
— servants in dis establishment. 

But to business of state. Dis feast dat I must spread am de wedding-feast 
of de portly Portia and de shy Shylock. 'Tis given by dere friends, and I 
overheard de wisest of dem say dat dey would send de bill to Shylock and 
make him foot it. Dis am de place for fowl ; dis am de place for truffles, 
light as air ; here for de codfish ; here for de olives. Aha ! what's dis ? A 
little napkin ? Heavens, it cannot be my handkerchief ; unpleasant recol- 
lections do shoot about me brain. No, Desdy has it in de kitchen. {Anx- 
iously) Desdy ? I wonder what she's doing ! How can I find out ? {Looks 
around) Ah ! here's something dat looks like a gas-meter ; it must be de 
telephone. It is. It looks, too, as if it were connected wid de kitchen. 
{Listens at telephone, which is made of empty tomato-cans and cords.) Methinks 
I hear sweet sounds. {Calls through telephone) Hello, Central ! — yes — 
connect 4-1 1 with 44. What's dis I hear — music? Hi ! {Dance music heard 
in distance. Othello dances breakdown in wild state of excitement, still 
listening at telephone. Suddenly stops.) I had forgotten Desdy. {Calls 
through telephone) Disconnect ; connect wid de kitchen. {Listens again) 
What do I hear ? Desdy's voice — another voice — a man's voice. ( With rage) 
Flirting 1 Ha, ha ! I'll drown her angel voice ! {Catches up sofa-pillow and 
rushes from room, R.) 

Enter couples, r.. Lady Macbeth ««^ Macbeth, Portia ^«^ Shylock, 
Ophelia and Hamlet, Juliet and Romeo, arm-in-arm. They arrange 

themselves around the table. 

Ham. The festive board looks poor enough, I ween. Pray where's the 
food ? Is this a wedding-dinner ? 

Rom. Othello tarries. 

Lady M. He hath poor Desdemona by the throat, I heard her smoth- 
ered cries for help. 

Mac. Unless he come right soon I shall 

Jul. Sh — , Mr. Macbeth ! Send forth thy discordant voice and summon 
the slave. 

Mac. {roars) Othello ! Othello ! ! Othello ! ! ! 

Oph. Had he three ears he'd hear thee ! 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 33 

Lady M. Dinna stand there calling Othello ! Run, laddie, and fetch 
the dinner yersel'. Bring me a haggis. 

Mac. Ay. {Advances to front.) 

Oph. As for me, Hamlet, bring me a sweet-bread and some cambric 
tea. 

Ham. This waiting on ourselves may be all right, yet 'tis, I think, a 
custom more honored in the breach than in the observance. (Advances.) 

Por. For me, if I may choose, brain food I should prefer ; bring me 
some fish. 

Shy. Ay. [aside) 'Tis well, for fish comes cheap. 

Jul. Romeo, an' you love me, bring me curry of lamb with pepper 
sauce. 

Rom. My lamb, lamb you shall have, but pepper sauce none — you're 
peppery enough already. {Advances to front.) 

{Men form in line at front of stage ^ 

Mac. {drawing sword.) Attention, company! Eyes front — mark time — 
right, left— right, left ! 

{Men mark tiine and sing. A.ir, * ' Fatinitza."^ 

Right, left, in royal style. 

For the dinner here v/e go, 
Just because we fail to find 

That lazy darky, Othel-lo ! 
How our wives can treat us thus 

We are puzzled much to know ; 
But, like obedient hubs, we 
Mac. Right-about-face ! 

All. Just so ! (Men face right.) 

{Men march ojf \\. in single file.) 

Oph. But I don't understand — who's engaged to whom ? 

Lady M. The late Mr. Bassanio's relict has just been married to Mr. 
Shylock, of Chatham Street. 

Oph. Has the lav/yer married the old-clothes man ? Lord, we know 
what v/e are, but we know not what we may come to. I hope all will be well, 
I cannot choose but weep. 

Por. Amicus curia: — preserve me from my friends ! 

Lady M. You'd much better leave off gabbling that heathen Latin, which 
nobody understands, and take to studying your native tongue. 

Por. Native tongue ! What do you mean ? 

Lady M. Well, your husband's native tongue, then — it's all the same- 
Hebrew, to be sure ; then you might be of some assistance to him in his 
business. 

Jul. Happy thought. Lady Mac, — book it; you may never have an- 



34 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

other . But tell us all about him, Portia. Is he fond of moonlight, and 

is he going to settle here ? 

Oph. Does he knit 

Jul. Oh! Ophelia, you'll be the death of me yet. Does he backstitch? 

Oph. I was going to say, when you interrupted me, Mrs. Montague, 
does he knit his brows ? I love a man who knits his brows. 

Jul. Well, I'd rather be married to a death's head with a bone in its 
mouth than to Shylock, 

Per. In terms of choice I am too wise to be led by nice direction of a 
woman's eyes. His ducats and his well-won thrift have gained his cause. 

Lady M. When Shylock is best he is a Httle worse than a man ; and, 
when he is worst, he is little better than a beast I 

Por. Don't mind me, iadies ; go right on, just as if I were not here. 

Men enter r., and place dishes on table. 
Rom. And now to dinner with what appetite we may ! 
Enter Othello, r. 

0th. {seeing dishes on the table. ^ Othello's occupation's gone ! 

Ham. You're late, Othello; why is this, and wherefore so? Explain 
yourself at once before we further go ! 

Oth. Most potent, grave and reverend seignors, my very noble and 
approved good masters, dat I am late and tardy at dis feast it am most true. 
De table hnd I laid, and was about to blow de dinner-horn, when Desde- 
mona, flirting wid a passing youth, my best attention did at once demand. 
But now she's smothered, and will silent be ; and I am here to do as you 
command. 

Mac. You're excused. {To guests.) Sit down, sit down, I say I Stand 
not upon the order of your sitting, but sit at once. 

Lady M. You know your own degrees — sit down ! {All sit down.) 

Mac. {Suddenly rises, and, clutching in the air, shrieks wildly— ^^ Is this 
a dagger which I see before me, the handle toward my hand ? Come, let 
me clutch thee ! {All rise in terror.) 

•Mac. {Sees Ghost, and exclaims — ) Avaunt ! and quit my sight! Let 
the earth hide thee ! Hence, horrible shadow ! {Falls in chair and covers 
his eyes. Gradually 7'ecovers. ) 

^ Lady M. Sit, worthy friends ; my lord is often thus, and hath been from 
his youth : the fit is momentary — feed, and regard him not. {All sit down*) 

Oph. When are we going to begin this meal ? I'm nearly starved, 

{All sing.) 

So say we all of us, 

So say we all of us. 

So say we all. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 35 

So say we all of us, 

So say we all of us, 

So say we all of us, 

So say we all. 

Lady M. The haggis, Mac! My hunger's great ! (MACBETH uncovers 
dish, showing small fish.) Isn't that a pretty dish to set before a king? 
(^To Romeo.) Well, Mr. Montague, what \i2.NQyou? 

Rom. Chicken. O fair is foul and foul is fair ! 

Jul. Who ordered that up ? 

Rom. I pass. {Haitds to Othello.) 

Por. He cuts and passes. 

Oph. Come, Ham, do let me see what you have. Why, it's only beans, 
and you promised me a sweet-bread. 

Ham. 'Twas too expensive. Thrift, thrift, Ophelia I The funeral 
bak-ed beans do coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. 

{Sings,) 

Beans, beans, Boston baked beans, 
Cheap, very wholesome, and fit food for queens. 
Beans, beans, Boston baked beans. 
There's nothing so wholesome as Boston baked beans. 
{Hands dish to Othello, who passes it to Lady Macbeth.) 

0th. Help yourself. Take a great many — take two. 
Por. Now, my sweet husband, what have you to offer ? (ShylocK un- 
covers dish.) Spare rib ! 

Shy. I had great hopes it was my pound of flesh ! 

Rom. Waiter, pour me out some liquor 

All. Liquor ! Bless my soul — heresy ! 
Rom. I was only going to say licorice-viaXQx. 

{All sing,) 

0.^.^— thello, fill the flowing bowl 

Until it doth run over ! 

Othello, fill the flowing bowl 

Until it doth run over ! 
For to-night we'll merry, merry, be. 
For to-night we'll merry, merry, be. 
It's not often we have such a spree — 

To-raorrow we'll be sober. 

(Macbeth upsets glass.) 

Lady M. Out, damned spot ! {covering stains with napkins.) 
All. {to Lady Macbeth.) Ah ! we spot thee ! Shake not thy gory 
locks at we — thou can'st not say we did it. 



36 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CUREc 

Lady M. {scornfully.) Nobody said you did do it. 

0th. (reJillmgMACBETH's glass.) Drink, pretty creature, drink ! 

Mac. (rismg.) Ghro. me the cups, and let the kettles to the trumpet speak ; 
the trumpet to the cannoneer without ; the cannons to the heavens ; the 
heavens to earth ! Now the king drinks to Shylock ! 

Rom. Stay, Shylock alone is hardly fair. The toast should be : "the 
happy pair ! " 

Mac. I accept the amendment. ( Waves glass to Shylock.) 

Shy. Your royal Highnesses! {All bow. Shy 1.0 ck draws forth a huge 
roll of manuscript, adjusts his spectacles, and proceeds to read.) I did not 
come to this great feast prepared to make a speech, or to reply to any 
toast that might be given. Nevertheless, the abundance of this festive 
board, the savory viands, the rich and delicate wines, the gorgeous display 
of gold and silver plate, combine to excite within me such feelings of grate- 
ful joy that I must fain seek to express myself in glowing words. {Aside.) I 
would not have writ this, or gone without my daily pittance of pork, had I 
surmised the truth. {Aloud.) As great Horatius hath it — Eheu ! fuguees 
Fostume, Postume 

Ham. {springing to his feet.) Thou liest in thy throat, thou baldy- 
headed Jewl It was Sue-to-ni-us that wrote the verse. 

Shy. Non est juribus disputandum — thou should'st not dispute with a 
Jew, thou surly lunatic. (Hamlet bites his thumb at Shylock.) What I 
Dost bite thy thumb ? 

Ham. Ay ! 

Shy. {with anger.) Dost bite thy thumb at me ? 

Ham. Ay ! ! 

Mac. {rising.) Peace ! noble Dane — let the vile Jew proceed — he hath 
yet words to speak. (Hamlet sits down,) 

Shy. {resumes.') As great Horatius hath it — Eheu! fuguees Postume., 
Postume, labuntur anni — which, being interpreted, means, Portia, my 
sweetest darling wife, and I rejoice to see such beauty, and such wit around 
this board. {All nod approvingly.) Where in the great world's history saw 
ere an one a gathering of so stupendous knowledge ? Where in the hetero- 
logous concatenation of syncategorematic propodentical categories can a 
Macbeth with shaggy locks of purple sunset gore be found? How in 
methodical, schismatic, diverticulating, chasmichromochrological circles can 
an aesthetic Romeo find existence possible ? Where in the universe can we 
discover a hypothetically causative — — 

Mac. Peace ! peace ! 

Shy. Presumably hypochondriacal, absolutely ferruginous — {great con- 
fusion. All rise and shout, "Peace!") — inferentially deductive Dane of 

affirmatively chromous. {Great confusion. Othello seizes paper and 

compels Shylock to sit down.) 

Lady M. Thou melancholy Dane, I drink to thee ! Give us a song, I 
pray. 

Ham. My Lady Mac, I'm honored much. 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 37 

(Sings. Air from Pinafore.^ 

When I was a lad, in days of yore, 

I used to live at Elsinore, 

A pretty little island in the Baltic sea, 

But much too small for a lad like me. 

They thought me there they would immure, 

But I skedaddled for the Water-Cure. 

My crafty uncle my father killed. 

Into his ear some pizen spilled. 

He married my mother and he stole my crcv/n, 

And so I thought I'd better leave the town. 

I didn't want to stay, you may be sure. 

And so I bought a ticket for the Water-Cure. 

I stabbed Polonius, Laertes too, 

Pizened my mother, and the king ran through ; 

The fact is that I raised a fuss — 

Yes sirree, kicked up a muss. 

And thus, having made my family fewer, 

I came for treatment to the Water-Cure, 

'Twas there I loved Ophelia fair. 

But they evidently thought we wouldn't pair. 

For I was rich, a trifle lazy, 

And some folks thought that I was crazy. 

But it really wasn't so, 'twas only a lure. 

And now you see us at the Water-Cure. 

( General applause. ) 

Mac. (rising.) Mrs. Montague, your health ! 

Rom. (to Juliet.) Now, my dear, you must make a speech. 

Oph. Or tell a story. 

Jul. I cannot make a speech, and I was brought up, like George Wash- 
ington, never to tell a story. 

Oph, George Washington ! Who was George Washington ? 

Jul. Why, don't you know? Well, then, I'll tell you. One day 
George's father 

Oph. George who ? 

Jul. George Washington. He was a little boy then. One day his 
father 

Oph. Whose father ? 

Jul. George Washington's- — this great man we are telling you about. 

One day George's father gave him a little hatchet for a 

Oph. Gave whom ? 



38 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Jul. George Washington. His 

Oph. Who gave him the little hatchet ? ' 

Jul. His father. And his father 

Oph. Whose father? 

Jul. George Washington's. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Jul. Yes, George Washington's. And his father told him— 

Oph. Told whom? 

Jul. Told George. 

Oph. Oh ! yes, George. 

Jul. And he was told 

Oph. George told him ? 

Jul. No^ his father told George. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Jul. Yes, told him he must be careful with his hatchet 

Oph. Who must be careful ? 
Jul. George must. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Jul. Yes, must be careful with his hatchet 

Oph. What hatchet ? 

Jul. {^frantically.^ Why, George's, 

Oph. Oh ! 

Per. {interrupting) Oh! let me explain it to her. His father told him he 
must be careful with the hatchet, and not cut himself with it, or drop it in 
the cistern, or leave it out all night in the grass. So George went around 
cutting everything he could reach with his hatchet ; and at last he came to a 
splendid apple-tree, his father's favorite, and cut it down 

Oph. Who cut it down ? 

Por. George did. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Por. But his father came home, and saw it the first thing, and 

Oph. Saw the hatchet ? 

Por. No, saw the apple-tree ; and he said : "Who has cut down my 
favorite apple-tree ?" 

Oph. What apple-tree ? 

Por. George's father's. And everybody said he didn't know anything 

about it • 

Oph. Anything about what ? 

Por. The apple-tree. 

Oph. Oh I 

Por. And George came up and heard them talking about it 



THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 39 

Oph. Heard whom talking about it ? 

Por. Heard his father and the men. 

Oph. What were they talking about? 

Por. About this apple-tree. 

Oph. What apple-tree ? 

Por. The favorite tree that George cut down. 

Oph, George who ? 

Por. {m despair.) George Washington ! 

Lady M. (rising and pounding on the table in wratk.) Give /«^ the dag- 
gers and I'll sharpen her wits. — George came up and heard them talking 
about it 

Oph. What did he cut it down for? 

Lady M. Just to try his little hatchet. 

Oph. Whose little hatchet ? 

Lady M. Why, his own, the one his father gave him. 

Oph. Gave whom ? 

Lady M. Why, George Washington. 

Oph. Oh! 

Lady M. So George came up, and said: "Father, I cannot tell a 
lie" 

Oph. Who couldn't tell a lie ? 

Lady M. Why, George Washington. He said :" Father, I cannot tell 
a lie ; it was " 

Oph. His father couldn't ? 

Lady M. N'o, George couldn't. 

Oph. George ? Oh ! yes. 

Lady M. "It was I cut down your apple-tree, I did"— — 

Oph. His father did ? 

Lady M. No, no — it was George said this. 

Oph. Said he cut his father ? 

Lady M. No, no, no ! Said he cut down his apple-tree. 

Oph. George's apple-tree ? 

Lady M. No, his father's. 

Oph. Oh ! 

Lady M. He said : " Father, I cannot tell a lie ; I did it with my little 
hatchet." And his father said : ' ' Noble boy I I would rather lose a thou- 
sand trees than have you tell a lie." 

Oph. George did ? 

Lady M. {fiercely.) No, his /^//^^r said that. 

Oph. Said he'd rather have a thousand trees ? 

Lady M. No, no, no ! Said he'd rather lose a thousand trees ! 



40 THE SHAKESPEARE WATER-CURE. 

Oph. Said he'd rather George would ? 

Lady M. No, said he'd rather he would than have him lie. 

Oph. Oh ! George would rather have his father lie ! 

(Lady Macbeth sinks exhausted into chair,) 

Jul. Ophelia, I don't believe you remember one word we have told you. 

Oph. (in an injured tone.) Yes, I do. You told me there was a boy 
who had a father named George ; and he told him to cut down an apple- 
tree, and he said he'd rather tell a thousand lies than cut down one apple- 
tree. {OvYi. looks aroMid triumphantly ; the others groan.) 

Lady M. (rising.) Hold! We've dined and drunk a health to Shylock 
and his bride ; we have heard about George Washington {all groan again), 
and now I deem it fit we end this evening's entertainment with a dance. 
Othello, fetch thine ancient harp ! 

Othello Exits, and returns with banjo. Pay Is banjo in background. The 
others perform a square dance, and sing. Air, " Red, White, and Blue. *^ 

Now, if with the great William Shakespeare 

Some liberties few we have ta'en, 
It has only been done for amusement — 

Our respect for the bard is the same. 
May the laurels of Shakespeare ne'er wither, 

May his writings forever endure, , 

Is the wish of the patients assembled 

To-night at his own Water-Cure 1 

Chorus. 

Give a cheer for great Shakes' Water-Cure ! 
Give a cheer for great Shakes' Water-Cure ! 
May the laurels of Shakespeare ne'er wither, 
Say the guests at his own Water-Cure ! 

But Romeo and Juliet and Othello, 

Macbeth and his lady, of Dunblane, 
Rich Portia and Shylock the crafty, 

Ophelia and Hamlet the Dane, 
Will no longer now weary their hearers, 

Who are thinking 'tis time they should go. 
So, with thanks for your kindly attention, 

We will make you our best parting bow ! 

Chorus. 

We will make you our best parting bowI 
We will make you our best parting bow I 
So, with thanks for your kindly attention, 
We will make you our best parting bow ! 

Curtain. 



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